Updated: Apr 29, 2021
I went to visit dad a few days ago, I spent the evening in tears, overthinking and feeling sorry for myself.
He has a special chair now that supports his feet more and it tilts him back so he isn’t sliding on to the floor every hour! He also has a wheelchair designed for him, it supports his neck and the rest of him, preventing him from ending up on the floor also.
I knew this day was coming and thought I was ready for it, but it smacked me in the face!!
I cried in the car to my support worker for almost an hour and cried most of the evening. It was like I saw him for the first time.
He looked sick and frail, and sick, and I fu**ing hate it. Where did my big strong dad go?
That night I went to get ice cream with my mum, i cried some more, got angry, screamed a little at slow-moving traffic and decided it was time to move on, it was time to make some changes! I went to bed and wanted to wake up fresh and ready to go again. I don’t want to spend my days upset and thinking about what i have missed out on, what might have been, to be getting upset over these things. I knew this day was coming when he would need special equipment and honestly he probably should have had it before now!
Yes, we need to understand our feelings, talk about them and work through the difficult times, we cant bottle everything up.
Instead of sitting feeling sorry for myself for days, I choose to channel this sadness and anger into my life, into my job, the blog and anything else that I think might work!
I spent Thursday with two of my dads oldest friends, we were filming something for the plane crash they were in **very exciting** and it made me realize something. My dad lived life to the max, he never let anything stop him or scare him. He had adventures and made memories. The guys told me stories about the things they would get up to and it was amazing listening to stories about dad, it was great to talk about dad before every conversation revolved around HD. I got to know the man before HD!
That’s how I want to live.
That’s how I plan on living.
Everything we do is a choice, yes I was upset and it was a difficult day! But I chose to move on and not let it destroy the amazing day i had the next day with dads friends and a freakin camera crew in my house. Plus how bad would I look on TV with mascara down my face and puffy red eyes!
We can sit and wallow over and over or we can choose to move on and pick ourselves up. My dad would never ever let me lay in bed all day crying over something, he would never let me walk about with a big long face on, so I know he wouldn’t want me doing that over him.
I know there will be much harder days in the future, and sadly the hardest day!! Until then I am going to make my dad proud by living my life like an adventure, im going to continue to visit him and tell him all about the adventures i have and when he is gone I will remember all of his adventures!
He didn’t know who I was the other day, that’s the first time he didn’t engage with me, or really know who I was. It hurt and I will always remember the blank look in his eyes, how it made me feel and fighting back the tears until I got to the car.
But it's time to pick myself up AGAIN (im a freakin pro) and get on with my life, I don’t want to waste it!