I am the Storm!

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on here, I feel like sometimes I have nothing to say or people will judge me for what I say. What is too much information out of my personal life and what isn’t enough, the point of this blog was to help people in my situation and talk about my opinions without caring what people think. Am I failing or am I just scared.

People are great at judging and passing comment and recently, well from my boyfriend and I got together it’s always the same comments. “When are you getting married?”, “when is the big day”, “when are we getting a day out” and even worse than that “when are you having kids”.

I know people mean no harm, it’s simple banter and jokes but sometimes depending on my mood lets be honest I feel like coming out with a not so friendly remark.

What if kids aren’t that easy, and let’s be real when you don’t know your genetic fate it isn’t really. In my opinion or my choice I have made from a young age, I will not be having children naturally as I do not want them to go through what my brother and I have. Not knowing if you’ll make it into your adult life like your friends isn’t exactly something that sits easy in your stomach.

Let’s be real my boyfriend is older than me, and a lot of his friends are getting married and having kids, I truly enjoy spending their special days with them and getting to know their kids. Even my friends have kids, a lot of my friends have started their families and I wish them the best of luck and love and adore their children! But I don’t know if it is on the cards for me.

In a perfect world I would love to get married and have children in my perfect house with a white picket fence just like the movies. A stay at home mom with a big fancy jeep driving the kids to school and football or dance practice!

Kids for me will be a number of questions; my future is a number of questions. I obviously talk about this with my boyfriend, not exactly as easy topic, “hey, do you want to be left a widow or a widow with kids?”

And yes yes I don’t need all that bullshit of “you might not have it!!” “You need to think positive” I do, I think every day and pray every minute that my brother and I are safe and we can end this nightmare but that’s not healthy when planning my future! I can’t live in a dream world where I am perfectly healthy and everything is hunky dory and I will be totally fine I personally need to plan and think about the negative, the “what if’s”.

I feel like I’m getting way off topic, I feel like my point is, sometimes people should think before they joke or make a comment, as soon as a couple get married the jokes and comments are “when’s the kids”. What if making babies isn’t as simple as getting drunk one Friday night in your local and having an exciting after party back in your bedroom! Everything Is a what if?

So I guess until I pluck up the courage all I can do it wait and think about what might happen, what dream world I can live through today. Where will my future take me?  People like to say *what is ment for you won’t go by you*, I don’t know if that’s an Irish saying or if it’s worldwide, but I personally don’t agree with it or like it. I have used it the odd time myself with friends who are going through a tough time because it’s a nice thing to say and brings people some reassurance. The reason I personally don’t like it is because I feel like I can control my fate. I can choose what will go by me and what I will hold on to!

The Devil whispered “you can’t withstand the storm.” I relied “I am the storm.”

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Remember #imnotdrunk is all me it is not connected to any other organisation or person!